


I Will Follow You into the Dark

by mccollins



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming of Age, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24646828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mccollins/pseuds/mccollins
Summary: Remus Lupin has faced trials no child should have to face. Isolated from the world after the attack by Greyback, Remus is anxious about attending Hogwarts. How will he manage his transformations every month? Will he be outed and treated like the freak he believes himself to be? Can he really trust this Headmaster Dumbledore and the professors? Will he be viewed as a normal student or a charity case?Then, he meets Peter Pettigrew, James Potter, and Sirius Black. Three friends who will help define who Remus is and help deliver him to his destiny.This is a coming of age tale about Remus- his time at Hogwarts, his experiences with the legendary Marauders, and his slow burn relationship with Sirius.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own these characters or anything Harry Potter related (JK Rowling owns that, I know, so disappointing).  
> I haven't written fanfiction since I was thirteen maybe, which was over a decade ago. However, we are in the middle of a pandemic and I am struggling with the edits for my first novel. I figured I'd give myself a break and exercise my writing abilities here.  
> I have taken my own liberties with certain things in the Harry Potter universe (it is fanfiction after all), especially in terms of the Wizarding World's relationship with the Muggle World, Remus' relationship with his parents, and the discrimination the Wizarding community holds against the LGBTQ+ community. You can't tell me that a magical community that has survived on traditional marriages and breeding doesn't have issues with the LGBTQ+ community. Also, after everything JK Rowling has unfortunately said, I wanted to bring a bit more representation to the table.  
> As a writer, I really enjoy fleshing out characters and letting them thrive within the plot. I'm still finding my way with this piece, but Remus is a character that has always spoke loud and clear to me. I hope you enjoy my take on his life.  
> Please give feedback! This my first fanfic in a very long time and as a writer I thrive on constructive criticism!

The year was 1971. It was the year Qatar would separate from Great Britain, the year Apollo 14 would make it to the moon, the summer the New York Times published  _ The Pentagon Papers _ , and the year Disney World would open in Florida. Remus supposed it was a magical place, a magic created for muggles. They wouldn’t know what real magic looked and felt like, but he wondered what the amusement parks were like. His mother loved watching Disney movies with him. At age eleven, Remus wanted to believe he was too old for those movies. And while Remus proved to be a bright young boy, reading equal parts wizard novels and muggle fiction, he liked that time spent with his mom. 

Things were different with his father. Remus realized at a rather young age, after Greyback’s attack, that he would always be a reminder of his father’s hubris. They still spoke and his father was kind to him, but Remus hated that look of pity that always shown through. He hated being removed from his parents once a month to deal with his transformations. A transformation so painful, every time he began to turn Remus thought it would certainly be the last time. He would die from the pain and his parents could maybe be happy again without a pitiful monster for a son.

Remus fiddled with the cassette player his mom had slipped into his coat pocket before boarding the train. He turned off Bob Dylan’s melodies and looked out the window, taking a deep breath to compose himself. He was worried. Because of his… deformity, he always felt older than he truly was. Adult conversations were had when he was a child, they made him wise and kept him sharp. Of course, his brain wasn’t fully developed and he still had plenty of learning to do- especially at Hogwarts. He wanted to be excited but this was a huge change for him. Schooling away from his parents. Transforming every full moon away from his parents. Remus wasn’t sure how that was supposed to work. His mother, Hope, assured him that the Headmaster knew the situation. Apparently, this was supposed to be a kind and somewhat radical Headmaster compared to the one his parents had in the past. Remus was to meet with him as soon as he was settled at school. 

He was getting lost in his head again, a habit his mother was trying to fix. She gave him music and books to distract him, a journal to write in when he felt overwhelmed, and plenty of chocolates to eat when the sadness was too much to handle. A lot of these coping methods were usually used by muggles. Ever since his attack, Hope Lupin began turning away from the wizarding world and accepting the muggle one- the one her very own mother grew up in. Remus knew it upset his father, but he never said anything about it. It was Hope’s way of handling what happened to her son. 

Remus didn’t mind it- he got to read classic literature by Fitzgerald and Dickens, listen to Bob Dylan and The Beatles, and eat all the English Toffee his mother could buy him. It made him feel almost normal. Which is why he had stuffed almost an entire suitcase with his favorite muggle belongings. He’d turn to them for comfort when the isolation got to him. Remus was resigned to the idea that he would manage through school on his own. Friends would be in constant danger because of him. Or Remus would be in constant danger of being outed. Either way, his father made it clear it was safer to go it alone. Several children his age had already poked their heads into his train compartment, sniffed in disappointment, and walked away. Whether it was due to his shabby clothes, tousled mess of sandy curls, or the scar running down his face, Remus didn’t know what was so offsetting about his presence. Maybe they could tell he was a werewolf just by looking at him…

Remus never considered that before. 

That thought caused his shoulders to tense as a boy entered his train compartment. He was tiny, even smaller than Remus himself. His features were pointed and pale, eyes a watery blue. He was struggling to catch his breath, gripping a small bag and a crushed chocolate frog in the other. 

“Are you alright?” Remus asked.

The other boy nodded, trying to catch his breath. He shuffled his feet further into the compartment and dropped himself onto the seat across from Remus. 

“Some older boys were messing around with the new students on board. Tried to charm my own chocolates from me! Wasn’t sure if anyone was in here, so I decided to hide. My name’s Peter by the way,” the boy named Peter said, stuffing the head of his chocolate frog in his mouth. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Remus.”

“Nice to meet you too! First year?”

“Yes. I take it you are too?”

“I am. Excited for the sorting?”

Remus winced at that. Not because Peter was talking with his mouth full, but because of the dread that creeped up at the idea of sorting. Remus didn’t really see the point of being put in different houses. It felt like a competition that no one could truly win. Weren’t all the houses equally good at something? Weren’t they all wizards and witches just trying to learn? Why divide them? He already heard different rumors about the houses. Especially the house of Slytherin…

“I guess, are you?” Remus finally answered, letting Peter finish swallowing the last of his treat.

“Yeah. A bit nervous too. Not really sure where I’ll end up.” Peter’s shoulders slumped and slouched in his seat. Remus fought the urge to tell him to sit up straight. 

Peter was right though. Remus wasn’t sure where the boy would fit in. And if he was being perfectly honest, Remus wasn’t sure where he belonged either. He tried not to dwell on it too much, that’s why there was a sorting ceremony after all. But knowing that your place in a certain house could decide your future for you… it was too much for him to wrap his head around. 

“I’m not sure either. A little scary isn’t?” Remus remarked, trying to smile at Peter.

Peter smiled back and sat up straighter in his seat.

“Very much so. Maybe we’ll end up together?” Peter said, meeting Remus’ eyes and then bringing them back down to his fidgeting hands. 

Merlin, was Remus making a friend? 

A somewhat pathetic looking friend, but Remus knew he didn’t appear much better. Maybe Peter was a safe friend to have. For now, at least. 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

The boys found themselves talking for a bit, Peter sharing his chocolate frog card collection and Remus showing him the cassette player his mom had given him. The worry and tension was already disappearing from Remus’ constantly knotted shoulders. Maybe it would be nice to end up in the same house as Peter. It’d be nice to have a familiar face and at least one friendship. Remus would allow himself that. Peter wouldn’t bring any harm to him and he didn’t seem bright enough to ever guess his secret. This was safe. Remus could handle a safe friendship with Peter.

Before they knew it, the boys were dressing in their school robes- both of them swallowed by the dark fabric. Remus couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of Peter drowning in the robe, Peter flapping his arms out to swing the fabric to and fro.

“I look like a bloody bat,” Peter laughed.

Remus laughed harder at how silly Peter truly did look, but he knew he didn’t look much better. Small and skinny for his age, his family too poor for high end robes, Remus looked how he felt- scrappy and hungry. Peter never commented on it though, not even at the obvious rip by the low hanging hems or the worn color of the robe. Remus liked him for that. 

They stuck together as they departed the train and were led onto boats to cross the murky water and enter the bright castle ahead. Remus couldn’t bring himself to stop staring at his new school. He never thought much about magic and the beauty of it, always surrounded by it at home. But with the golden lights streaming out every opening of the expansive castle, casting twinkling waves in the water, Remus was suddenly struck with a new appreciation for the world he was now entering. Nothing that beautiful could be that bad. 

Of course, Peter chattered the whole time with nervous excitement. First years around them seemed to be growing annoyed with Peter’s non-stop talking, but Remus didn’t mind it. To be fair, he wasn’t really listening to the other boy. He wasn’t listening to any of the professors leading them to the Great Hall for the sorting. He was too distracted by the moving pictures on the wall, the ghosts floating above their heads, and the Great Hall itself was a masterpiece. Students older than him filled the space, thousands upon thousands of candles danced above them. And above the candles, where there should have been a ceiling, was the open night sky. 

“Wow,” Remus sighed.

“Double wow,” Peter whispered next to him. 

It was almost sensory overload for Remus. Between the thousands of eyes watching him, the candle filled starry sky above him, he almost missed his name being called for the sorting. He wasn’t even aware they started the sorting. Peter elbowed him, a bony poke in his ribs was enough to snap Remus back to his reality. His shoulders tensed as the room got quiet, eyes watched him as he traveled up to the front of the hall, where an ageless woman held a hat. A wrinkled and musty hat that appeared to have a face. Remus refused to make eye contact with anyone as he sat down in front of the entire student body of Hogwarts, in front of the professors and the Headmaster himself, as the hat was placed on his head. 

It was much too quiet for Remus’ liking. It was a cold and stony quiet, one that made his palms clammy and pulled his eyebrows together. He must’ve looked like a sore sight to the rest of the students, with his tattered robes, shaggy hair, and ruined face. He refused to look up from his feet as the hat muttered to itself. Yes, a hat was muttering into his ears, trying to decide his future.

“A werewolf huh?” The hat asked. 

Remus froze up. Did this hat just tell the entire school the one thing he never wanted revealed?

“Relax pup, no one can hear me but you.”

Remus almost fell out of his seat with relief. He stayed quiet though and let the hat work it’s magic. 

“Bright… kind… the werewolf thing is a bit off putting, but there’s something about you… maybe Ravenclaw…. No, no… I’ve made my decision- GRYFFINDOR!”

The hat roared at the announcement of the Remus’ house and the students of Hogwarts burst into cheers- especially the Gryffindor table. The hate was pulled off his head and Remus could feel himself blushing as he made his way to his house table, loud whoops greeted him, hands clapping against his back and shoulders as he desperately tried to find a seat and avoid all of the attention. Then, a gentle hand clasped around his arm and pulled him down onto a seat.

Remus breathed a sigh of relief and brought his eyes up to look at the person who had saved him. The rest of the students were quiet and focused on the Sorting Hat’s next decision, but the boy next to Remus, the boy that had pulled him from the crowd, and saved him from complete embarrassment of never finding a seat, was much more interested in talking with him.

“My name’s Sirius, what’s yours?” The boy whispered, face flushed with excitement.

“Uh… Remus. Thanks for finding me a seat.”

“Of course! Couldn’t let you wander around forever,” Sirius said, grinning from ear to ear. 

This boy was very different from Peter. Very different from Remus himself. His robes gave away that he came from old money- shiney, clean, and brand new. He looked a few inches taller than Remus, not that his height would make Remus feel smaller than he already was. His dark curls framed his face, making him look somewhat angelic. The glint in his dark eyes and the playful way he smiled hinted he was anything but angelic, however. Remus couldn’t get a read on Sirius, not like he could with Peter. That made him nervous.

Before Remus could find a calculated way to end this conversation with Sirius, a boy who made his hands clammy and the skin stand up on his arms, Peter sat on Remus’ other side grinning from ear to ear. 

“We’re together! I knew it! Isn’t this great? I can’t wait to write my mum about this! Gryffindor and a new friend? No one in my family would’ve guessed this!” 

Peter was chattering again and shaking Remus’ shoulder, which would’ve annoyed him- he didn’t like being touched- but Peter’s enthusiasm was infectious and somewhat endearing. 

“Friend of yours?” Sirius whispered in his ear.

Remus almost jumped at the sound of the other boy’s voice. He turned to face Sirius and smiled politely. 

“Yes. Sirius, this is Peter. Peter, this is Sirius,” Remus introduced the two boys, leaning back slightly so they could shake hands. 

“Nice to meet you Peter. Boys, this is my closest, most dearest friend of all time- James Potter,” Sirius said, waving his hands towards a boy who was currently taking a seat across from the three boys.

“Hello there,” James said, waving slightly. 

Sirius looked like he wanted to keep talking but was instantly silenced when the Headmaster stood up, that silence infected the entire room. The sorting ceremony had drawn to a close and now it was time for a welcome from Dumbledore and then, hopefully, food. 

The man standing in front of the school seemed as ageless as the woman who held the sorting hat. He could’ve been old, maybe middle aged. His hair was silver, running down his back and forming an impressive beard on his face. His robes were magnificent, Remus felt slightly jealous looking at them- bright blue, with a shimmer to them, like a clear ocean on a nice day. Dumbledore was elegance at its finest, with a kind glimmer in his eyes. Maybe Remus could trust him.

Dumbledore spoke of school rules, and Remus could’ve sworn that Sirius and James perked up at the idea of the Forbidden Forest- which Dumbledore clearly stated no students were allowed in to. Remus made a note to maybe avoid those boys, avoiding trouble was a good idea. By the end of his speech, food appeared on the table. Dumbledore took a seat and Remus could’ve sworn that their eyes met for the briefest moment. Remus smiled quickly and Dumbledore nodded back at him. The shared glance ended as suddenly as it started, Remus turned away to look at all the food in front of him. He was suddenly starving, but tried to remain polite while reaching for the drumstick of a turkey and gathering helpings of mashed potatoes. His mother would’ve been proud of him, remaining polite amongst the other students who acted more like animals when it came to the food in front of them. 

Remus would’ve been content to talk with Peter for the rest of the night, but Peter seemed drawn to Sirius and James, constantly inserting himself in their conversation. Remus felt slightly embarrassed about Peter and his need to be included. However, James and Sirius seemed happy to include him. They seemed kinder than Remus originally assumed. 

“So, did you two grow up together?” Peter asked Sirius and James through a mouthful of stuffing. 

The two mischievous boys shared a look and laughed briefly.

“Believe it or not, we actually just met-” James said.

“On the train here!” Sirius added.

“But it feels like we’ve always known each other.”

“We met on the train,” Peter said, motioning his head towards Remus.

Sirius stared at Remus for a minute too long. Remus shifted uncomfortably and looked back at Sirius, to find him studying his face.

“Remus, what happened there?” Sirius asked, motioning to the scar crossing Remus’ face.

“Sirius!” James scolded, actually looking upset with the other boy.

“What? It’s a valid question! And it looks wicked cool.”

Remus touched the scar thoughtfully. He liked to pretend it wasn’t there, ignoring it completely. No one ever said it looked cool before. 

“Please excuse my idiot friend, apparently he has no filter. Learning new things about you every minute Sirius,” James said, his voice laced with a tinge of anger. 

“Hey, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to make you feel bad or anything-” Sirius started to apologize, genuine concern filling those big eyes of his and spilling out in his voice.

“No, no it’s okay. I… uh… it was an accident… with an owl,” Remus explained and tried not to react at how stupid that truly sounded.

An accident with an owl? Merlin, he wouldn’t survive seven years here if he didn’t learn how to lie.

James and Peter nodded appreciatively, buying his made up story. Sirius squinted at him briefly, but after seeing James accept what Remus said, he nodded too.

“You really think it looks cool?” Remus asked.

Maybe he sounded vain, but he didn’t care. Sirius’ face split into a smile at his inquiry and he nodded vigorously. 

“Yeah mate, makes you look epic. Like a rockstar or something,” Sirius exclaimed. 

“Or like one of those world class Wizard fighters,” James added. 

Remus smiled back at them. Maybe these boys wouldn’t be bad friends after all.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I own nothing and it all belongs to J.K. Rowling.

By the end of his first full meal at Hogwarts, Remus was comfortable with James, Sirius, and Peter. Never in his life did he think he would end up with this many friends, especially one from the Black family. From all the gossip his father had shared about the Black family, none of those rumors fit Sirius. Black’s were notoriously obsessed with pure blood wizards and magic, apparently even arranging marriages within their blood line to keep things pure. They were seen as elitist, discriminatory, even aligned with the darker sides of magic…  
Sirius was so different from what he heard. He seemed so light, bubbly almost. Sirius also had a penchant for muggle music and movies, much like Remus. He knew that wasn’t an excuse to fully trust Sirius, the Black’s did sound terrifying, but it made Sirius more relatable. Likeable, even. Sirius even pointed his brother out to him, Regulus, sitting at the Slytherin table. He looked so much like Sirius, but didn’t have that same quality of joy that seemed to linger on the air that engulfed Sirius. Regulus seemed like the perfect example of what a Black was supposed to be.  
“He’s really glaring at you mate,” James noted as they followed a prefect out of the Great Hall and towards the Gryffindor living quarters.  
Remus and Sirius both tried to turn their heads without being obvious. James was right- Regulus was glaring holes through Sirius, like he wanted nothing more than for his younger brother to drop dead. Sirius beamed at Regulus and waved. His brother did not return the gesture.  
“We’re really close, in case you couldn’t tell,” Sirius quipped to the group of them.  
Peter chuckled, but Remus and James could only give tight smiles. Remus had a feeling that James was thinking the same thing he was- what the hell was Sirius’ home life like? It made Remus feel more secure with the tension between him and his dad. His father may look at him with pity, but he would never glare at him like that.  
Before Sirius could make another joke about his depressing home life, a prefect- one of the girls, not the one leading them to their living space- stopped Remus.  
“Are you Remus Lupin?” The young woman asked.  
Remus nodded, confused about why he was being stopped. And a little annoyed. He had a long, long day and was looking forward to crashing in his bed.  
“Professor Dumbledore would like to see you,” she said, with a kind smile.  
“Why?” Sirius asked.  
Remus jumped and looked around him, startled that the three boys stayed with him instead of following the rest of the young Gryffindors.  
The girl’s face darkened with annoyance at Sirius’ question.  
“Are you Remus?” She asked him.  
“No,” Sirius replied.  
“Then that’s none of your business. Your friend can tell you later. Come on, I’ll escort you to his office,” she said, turning her attention back to Remus with softer eyes.  
Remus nodded at her and began to follow, but realized the three boys were still frozen in place.  
“It’s fine, I’ll catch up with you later. Promise,” he said, hoping it would ease his friends’  
nerves.  
Finally, James nodded and motioned for Sirius and Peter to follow him. Peter gave a quick wave to Remus and Sirius smiled sadly before shooting a death glare at the prefect girl.  
“Those your friends?” She asked, walking a few steps ahead of Remus, forcing him to follow behind. He felt so childish.  
“Yeah. We just met.”  
“Mhm.”  
The rest of the walk was silent. Remus never felt more confused about whether he belonged in a place or not. Hogwarts felt like it could be home. At the same time, he knew how almost all the wizards felt about people like him. Even if it was a condition he couldn’t control and never asked for, he knew that people hated what he really was.  
Walking through those long hallways, with dim lighting, an older student walking ahead of him, Remus started second guessing himself. Was Hogwarts the right place? Did he really belong here? Was he safe?  
Those thoughts haunted him as he was led through winding stairs to Dumbledore’s office. Those thoughts formed a knot in his stomach, twisting and turning the food he ate until he was nauseous. Some of that was soothed by the smell of the Headmaster’s office. It was a lemon fragrance, with a hint of mint. He tried to relax his shoulders as he approached Dumbledore at his desk. The prefect girl must’ve seen how nervous he was- she patted her hand on his shoulder with that same kind smile, before she turned to leave.  
“Hello Remus,” Dumbledore greeted him, sitting behind his expansive wooden desk.  
“Hello,” Remus said, almost whispered back.  
Dumbledore gestured for him to sit down in the plush chair across from him. Remus couldn’t help but feel like he was in trouble, even though he knew why Dumbledore wanted to speak with him. He couldn’t escape those watchful eyes the old man had.  
“Would you like a lemon drop?” Dumbledore asked, holding out a sweet.  
“Oh.. no sir. Thank you, I’m still pretty full.”  
“Quite alright, more for me.” Dumbledore chewed thoughtfully for a minute and then stood from his desk, walking to the seat next to Remus. He situated himself and brought himself closer to the young boy and studied him.  
“I don’t want you to be nervous about being a student here. I know, you can’t help it- but you have support. Hogwarts is a place for acceptance, a place for all wizards and witches to study as one. In your situation, I can understand why it maybe doesn’t feel that way.”  
Remus’ throat was tight, like he wanted to cry. He was too tired for this. Dumbledore continued on.  
“You can’t help what happened to you. It must’ve been scary to be so young and to experience something like that.”  
Remus could only nod.  
“I’m sorry. I hate that monsters like Fenrir Greyback exist. I loathe wizards who can’t accept their fellow man more. You’re here to learn and become the best wizard you can be. Your transitioning will not hinder that. It will not keep you from a normal life at Hogwarts. Alright?”  
Remus nodded again, too tired to answer. But his face must’ve showed signs of confusion. He wasn’t sure if he fully agreed with Dumbledore.  
“I have a plan in place. A safe spot for you to go before every full moon so you can transition to and from safely. It’s private. The students will know nothing about it. Your professors do not know. However, I have told them you have an illness that requires treatment once a month. You don’t want to be held accountable for missing school work.”  
“So you and I are the only ones who know what I am sir?” Remus asked.  
“Yes, Remus. Just you and I.”  
Remus was thankful beyond words. He was embarrassed to find tears slipping down his cheeks. He covered his face with his hands and tried to calm down. He felt Dumbledore rest his large and somewhat boney hand on his shoulder. The touch didn’t feel intrusive or unwanted. It was comforting.  
“Hogwarts should be home for everybody. But like a lot of humans, we’re slow to catch up with the times. One day, this won’t have to be a secret you keep and despise. I promise,” Dumbledore said, gently squeezing his shoulder.  
Remus wiped his face and nodded.  
“Thank you Professor.”  
“Of course. When we get closer to the full moon, we’ll meet about where you’ll go and how this will be handled. For now, I think it’s best to send you to bed. I bet your friends are anxiously awaiting your return,” Dumbledore smiled as he stood up.  
“Thank you. I really don’t think I can say it enough,” Remus said.  
“You do not need to thank me. However, if you would ever like to share those wonderful music cassette tapes with me, I’d be more than welcome.”  
Remus smiled widely at the man with an enthusiastic nod before leaving Dumbledore to his own thoughts.  
***  
Remus lay awake that night unable to sleep. He thought about listening to some of his music but couldn’t think of any music he would enjoy at that moment. He was too busy thinking. Overwhelmed with the kindness Dumbledore and his new friends showed him. He found his eyes filling with tears repeatedly and was thankful for the dark room, filled with the snores of his roommates.  
Remus was pleased to find that Sirius had saved a bed for him, right next to his own. His new friends waited for him to return and when he did, Remus had to put on a brave face and lie for the second time that night. He told them he was really sick and would be leaving once in a while to deal with it, that’s what Dumbledore wanted to talk about. James, clearly becoming the leader of their ragtag group nodded, and offered support for whatever he needed. Peter blinked and tried not to look too sad, mimicking James’ head nod. Sirius was unreadable, which was starting to frustrate Remus.  
In the dark, if Remus turned to his left side, he could make out Sirius’ sleeping form. There was something about the boy that caused him some sort of anxiety. It wasn’t what he was used to feeling though. This made his stomach flutter and set his teeth on edge. He didn’t understand it and decided not to dwell on it. At this point, he was going to barely get any sleep the night before his first day of classes. Listening to music might be a good idea, lull himself to sleep…  
He was turning to grab his cassette player from his night table when a voice whispered for him in the dark. Remus stopped moving and listened, to make sure he was hearing right.  
“Remus?” Sirius’ voice whispered in the bed next to his.  
“Sirius?”  
“Are you awake?”  
Remus rolled his eyes at that.  
“No Sirius, you’re talking Nearly Headless Nick. Of course I’m awake you git, why are you awake?”  
“I… I can’t sleep,” Sirius muttered.  
Remus couldn’t see him in the dark but the other boy sounded deflated. All traces of the cocky boy he met earlier in the day were gone. Remus got up from his bed and gently sat on the edge of Sirius’s bed, trying not to scare him.  
Sirius seemed to be waiting for Remus to come to him. He sat up immediately and faced him, his big eyes red with sleeplessness and possibly tears. Remus wondered if his eyes looked similar.  
“What’s wrong Sirius?”  
“Well… you know I’m happy to be in Gryffindor. Elated even. I’m with James and you, and that Paul kid-”  
“Peter.”  
“Peter, yeah right. It’s just… it’s expected in my family to be sorted into Slytherin. And while I’m really glad to be here… I’m really worried about my parents. They’ll go mental when they find out I got sorted into Gryffindor.”  
Remus was slightly confused. His parents never made a fuss over what house he should or shouldn’t be sorted into. His father obviously preferred that he didn’t end up in Slytherin, but even then they were just happy that Remus was going to school like a normal boy. He felt like Sirius wasn’t telling the full story. There was enough for Remus to read between the lines though.  
“Well, it’s like the hat says- you don’t get to choose. The hat chooses for you,” Remus said.  
“Try explaining that to my parents. They’ll blame me for this, I know they will,” Sirius said, voice thick with tears.  
Remus was unsure of what to do. The only person he ever witnessed crying was his own mother. Once he caught his father tearing up, but that never happened again. But Remus could understand upsetting your parents over something out of your own control.  
“I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I wish you didn’t,” was all Remus could offer.  
Sirius sniffled a bit more and then got quiet.  
“You must think I’m pathetic now,” Sirius whispered, a soft laugh in his voice.  
“You’re not pathetic.”  
Remus wasn’t sure what else to say or do. In the moonlight, he could see Sirius smile.  
“Thanks Remus. Really. And I hope you know that I’ve got your back with this stupid illness of yours. Like what James said, whatever you need.”  
Remus knew Sirius was trying to be supportive, but it just made Remus feel worse. Here was Sirius opening up to him, while Remus was openly lying- right at the beginning of their friendship.  
“Thank you Sirius. And if you ever need to wake me up for a cry in the middle of the night, feel free.”  
Sirius laughed a little too loud at that, which caused their roommates to stir. Remus snorted and got up to go back to bed.  
“Remus? Just… thank you again. I’m really glad we’re here- together,” Sirius said, before burying himself under his covers.  
Remus’ throat once again was too tight with emotions and all he could do was lie in bed, pull the blankets over his head, and let the soundless tears flow.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J.K. Rowling owns everything that looks familiar!

In his wildest dreams, Remus never thought he’d have friends he’d want to buy Christmas presents for. With the holidays drawing closer, Remus anxiously awaited a package from his mother- he wrote to her several weeks ago and asked if she could send him extra packages of specialty chocolates. One for James, one for Peter, and one for Sirius. He knew she’d be happy to get the sweets for him. Hope Lupin was relieved and incredibly grateful that her son had made friends and was fitting in, for the most part.  
Remus knew the disappearance act he pulled once a month was starting to worry his friends. Even with his constant reassurance, the boys always looked worried when he left. Maybe that was because Remus would return to them within the next 24 hours looking ragged, sometimes bruised and with new scars to match the fading ones.  
Before every full moon, Dumbledore would pull Remus away from the other students before their dinner in the Great Hall. He had to give kudos to Dumbledore- the Headmaster really did find a secretive and protected place for Remus to safely transform without harming any of the other students. Remus was led away from the castle, onto the ground where a new tree was recently planted. To the ordinary eye, it looked like an average weeping willow. But if you got too close, the willow lashed out- the students of Hogwarts had affectionately named it the Whomping Willow. Little did the students know that the monster tree was put in place to protect them from Remus, the real monster.  
Dumbledore would whisper an incantation, one that would gently nudge a knob on the tree that froze her in place. He’d wish Remus well and watch the boy go, disappearing under the frozen roots and through a secret passageway that led to a modest shack. Remus would sit and watch the night turn dark, the moon come up, and let his skin rip apart revealing the werewolf within. Even with the support from Dumbledore, the knowledge that his secret was still a secret, and that his classmates were protected from him- the transformation remained as painful as ever, even more so. The confinement of the shack didn’t help. Remus found himself biting at himself, shredding his wolf skin with his own claws, throwing himself into the walls. The pain would end as the moon dropped in the sky and Remus would wake up in the medical ward. He never remembered how he got there, but after the first night he woke up to see Dumbledore sitting by his side, picking through a small bag of those lemon drops he loved.  
That pattern repeated itself three times before the holiday season began to draw closer to Remus and his friends at Hogwarts. Three times he transformed in that little shack, three times he woke up in the medical ward, three times he would return to his friends with new scars and bruised flesh and tired eyes. He knew his friends were worried. And he had no clue how to make them feel better.  
To be fair, Remus never thought he would have friends. So, he never prepared to have people who cared about his well being- besides his parents of course. It also didn’t help that Remus was lying to them. He knew it was for the best, he could remind himself that he was simply keeping his friends safe until he was blue in the face, but he couldn’t help the guilt that was eating away at him. These boys really cared about him. And Remus really cared about them too.  
When he wasn’t being consumed by guilt or surviving his painful transformations, Remus was enjoying his first year at Hogwarts. He liked his classes, he could spend hours in the library, and of course his friends made every day interesting- especially James and Sirius.  
Peter was a lot like Remus, in terms that they both kept relatively quiet and seemed amused by the other two boys. However, Peter always felt a little bit more like a bystander while Sirius and James were intent on pulling Remus into every single one of their shenanigans. Whether it was starting food fights in the Great Hall, pranking Mr. Filch (which sometimes Remus felt bad about until he realized how cruel the old geezer really was), and starting trouble with boys in the Slytherin house.  
At first, Remus thought Sirius was just trying to get under his brother's skin. Which was apparently really easy. The mere sight of Sirius striding down the halls in bright Gryffindor colors seemed to piss off Regulus. Then Remus learned that Regulus wasn’t the only Slytherin they were trying to rattle.  
James Potter seemed obsessed with crushing Severus Snape under the heel of his scuffed shoes. Severus didn’t seem like much to Remus. Just another Slytherin student, slightly greasy and odd. He was a little follower in Regulus’ group of Slytherins. Too small and quiet to seem like a threat to anyone. So Remus didn’t understand what James’ obsession was until he met Lily Evans.  
Remus met Lily a few times, seeing as she was a fellow first year in the same house as him. She was probably one of the brightest people in their class- as well as incredibly sweet. Word had spread about the sickly boy named Remus in the Gryffindor house, and Lily was one of the few people who asked Remus how he was doing without making him feel like he was two inches tall. And unlike his other friends, she was a great study partner.  
Unfortunately, Lily was also close friends with Severus. They grew up near each other and had been friends since a young age. Even in different houses, they could still be seen hanging out between classes or sitting together in the library. James seemed to take this as a personal insult.  
Remus wasn’t an idiot. He knew pretty early on that James simply had a crush on Lily- in an immature, not ready to admit it, eleven year old boy kind of way. He learned to simply nod his head whenever James went on another rant about how Lily shouldn’t mingle with a Slytherin boy like Severus. When James wasn’t looking, Remus and Sirius would shoot each other looks and share a secret smile.  
Sirius was fully on board with making Severus’ life miserable as well- maybe because of his own personal feelings about the Slytherin house or because Regulus was taking Severus under his wing. Almost like he was replacing Sirius. Remus knew it was painful for Sirius to watch, but the other boy would never admit it.  
He did, however, take Remus up on his offer to wake him up in the middle of the night for long talks. Remus meant it as a joke, but then there was Sirius gently shaking him awake and muttering his name over and over again to get Remus up.  
Then Sirius would have the gall to ask-  
“Remus are you awake?”  
And Remus would always groan and try to shove at the other boy.  
“I am now, you absolute nightmare.”  
Then they’d sit on Remus’ bed, draw the drapes closed so they had some semblance of privacy. It also muffled the sound of their voices while the other boys in their dorm slept. Sirius usually brought along some snacks he snuck out of the Great Hall- a peace offering from waking Remus up in the middle of the night.  
It didn’t happen a lot, but enough for Remus to realize that Sirius had a pretty bad case of insomnia. The other boy made it clear that some nights it felt too unbearable to be alone. Remus felt less annoyed as time went on- Sirius needed someone to listen. It wasn’t that Sirius couldn’t talk to James or Peter. They’d be all ears if he needed them. But there was a certain bravado Sirius wore around Peter and especially James that he didn’t bother with when talking to Remus at one in the morning. Remus worried about Sirius, but it also made him feel special. This boy who was equal parts arrogance and recklessness around everyone else did not put on that show for Remus when it was just the two of them.  
Remus wasn’t sure why it was so easy to talk to Sirius. It just was. There were so many late night moments, when Sirius would be chowing down on some biscuits with his dark curls poking every which way, that Remus almost slipped up. He found himself ready to confess his most painful secret. He always stopped himself. It was dizzying going back and forth between what he wanted to say and what he shouldn’t.  
If Sirius knew that Remus was holding something back, he didn’t show it. He was always concerned about how Remus was feeling, especially before and after his monthly disappearance. Remus was getting to be a good liar. He always assured Sirius it was nothing new and he had it under control. And Sirius believed him.  
Anyways, Sirius was the one who had a lot to say in the dark. Of course, his parents were furious about his Gryffindor status. They even made it clear they didn’t want him back for the holidays. That was when Remus and the other boys decided they would stay with Sirius for Christmas, at Hogwarts.  
Hope Lupin wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear about that. But with coaxing from Lyall and the excitement Remus showed over his first Christmas at Hogwarts, she warmed up to the idea. Peter’s parents seemed fine with it and James had to do a little convincing, but he seemed to have free reign in his house.  
So, it was settled. The boys would spend their first Christmas together.  
A Christmas with a full moon.  
***  
Remus was assured by Dumbledore that they would get him through his transformation safely. They would push it a little- Remus would attend the Christmas feast in the Great Hall with his friends. After that, he would meet Dumbledore at his office and disappear for the night. His friends would have questions, but Remus planned for that. He would simply say that he wasn’t feeling well after the feast and went to Madam Pomfrey for help.  
He didn’t like this- thinking up lies beforehand. Preparing exactly what he would say to his friends to get them to believe him. He tried not to dwell on it- Christmas was going to be a lovely day.  
It started off like any other day- Sirius and James yelling loudly for him to wake up. Except the excitement was doubled. It was Christmas morning after all. Presents sat at the foot of each of their beds, wrapped perfectly in cheery colors. Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes and taking in the joy around him.  
James and Sirius waited only until Remus sat up, his eyes clearly open, to start tearing into their presents. Peter rolled out of his bed, yawning, and joined them. Remus watched in amusement, grabbing a sweater from the pile of clothes left by his bed and pulling it over his tiny frame. The cold bothered him on a full moon day. Nothing presents and some hot chocolate at breakfast wouldn’t fix.  
“Aw, Remus mate, thank you!” James cried, holding up the giant box of chocolates.  
Hope Lupin may have overdone it with the chocolate gifts for Remus’ friends- giant boxes from one of the best candy shops in London, filled with every kind of chocolate you could imagine. Wizard treats were great, but Hope and Remus were firm believers that muggle candy was even better. The giant chocolate boxes wrapped in Christmas colors proved their point.  
“I hope you like it. And if you don’t, I’m fine with taking it,” Remus said, sliding out of bed and joining the boys on the floor with his own Christmas gifts.  
“Well that’s a win win for you then,” Sirius said, more like he grumbled through a mouthful of the muggle candy.  
“Merlin, you’re going to finish that whole box before breakfast aren’t you?” Remus asked, trying to sound more disgusted than amused.  
Sirius smiled, chocolate and caramel coating his teeth. Remus wrinkled his nose.  
“Open your gifts Re,” Peter said.  
Remus turned to his pile and began to unwrap. A box of teas from James-  
“They’re supposed to support your health!”  
Colorful socks from Peter-  
“I noticed yours are all black. Thought you could use some color.”  
A few new books and a new pair of headphones from his parents.  
Then, a cassette tape from Sirius.  
Remus turned bright red and looked at Sirius with incredulous eyes.  
“How… but this is a muggle thing… how did you-” Remus’s sputtering was cut off by Sirius, who’s cheeks were also going pink.  
“Well it wasn’t easy. But, you know, we all noticed you listen to music when you try to sleep. Or to ignore our constant blabbering. I thought you could use some new music. You said you hadn’t really listened to Patti Smith or The Doors- which is honestly just a crying shame. So yeah. Happy Christmas!” Sirius said, smiling from ear to ear.  
“Thank you Sirius. Really. Thanks to all of you, I absolutely love my gifts,” Remus said, trying not to sound too choked up.  
Before anyone could truly get emotional, Sirius and James started a wrapping paper fight. When things started to get heated, Remus and Peter pulled them apart and urged the boys to get dressed so they could go to breakfast together.  
Hogwarts during Christmas really was a beautiful sight to behold. Snow covered the grounds, Christmas wreaths and candles decorated the halls, and everything smelled like eggnog and cinnamon. It made the boys feel warm and cozy, comfortable enough that Remus almost forgot about the full moon altogether.  
Seeing Dumbledore in the Great Hall reminded him about the pain he’d be in later, bringing him back to reality. He tried to ignore the nagging anxiety that ate at him while the boys smiled and joked through breakfast.  
“Oh Merlin,” James muttered, darkly.  
The other boys followed his piercing glare to the Slytherin table where Severus Snape and a few other students sat.  
“Why the bloody hell is he here?” James asked, throwing his fork down on the table.  
“You think his parents really wanted him back to ruin the holiday?” Sirius asked, laughing.  
Remus winced. Sometimes the jabs aimed at Severus were a little too cruel for him to stomach.  
“Boys, it’s Christmas. Can we enjoy our day without letting him ruin it?” Remus asked.  
James and Sirius deflated slightly.  
“Yeah, you’re right mate. But if he even as much as points that greasy head towards us-” James started, but Remus stopped him.  
“I know, I know. If he makes trouble first, feel free to do what you want.”  
Remus felt it was fine to say that. Severus hardly ever started trouble with the boys first- it was always the other way around. The only time Severus lashed out was to pick on Remus or Peter. Usually when James and Sirius weren’t looking. Remus didn’t mind it and never really spoke on it. Peter, however, was fine with running to James or Sirius whenever Severus tripped him in the halls, waved his wand so all of Peter’s books would fly out of his hands, or when he threw unwanted ingredients into his cauldron during Potions class and caused a major explosion. James and Sirius were always happy to avenge Peter.  
Knowing how brutal the boys could be, Remus never repeated the names Severus and his slimy friends would call him, the shoves in the hallways, the notes left in his books or bag threatening to curse him when the Slytherin boys found him alone. Remus felt that those threats held no weight. So, he kept it to himself.  
They managed through Christmas day with almost no major incidents. Sirius almost blew up at Peter when he thought he was cheating at Wizard’s chess, but James and Remus settled that dispute. They played chess, did a few rounds of hide and seek, and watched James ride his brand new broom outside in the snow. James was set on being a Quidditch star, his friends were more than ready to cheer him on.  
Remus felt himself deteriorating throughout the day, but tried to hold it together. Usually by late afternoon on a full moon, Dumbledore would be pulling him from his last class and slowly guiding him to the Whomping Willow. Remus wouldn’t change until nightfall, but it seemed safer to have him hidden away early.  
But today was Christmas. Which meant to avoid raising any questions, Remus would have to sit through the dinner and make a quick escape when it was over.  
Sirius kept looking at him funny, which was starting to annoy Remus. He knew he didn’t look good. He could feel heat rising through his spine, causing him to break out in cold sweats. His skin was probably greyish, a truly unhealthy sight. He was determined to make it through the dinner though.  
Remus found Dumbledore looking at him during the Christmas dinner at one point- his expression was unreadable, but his eyes crinkled with worry. Remus tried to smile quickly to assure him that he was fine, but the smile was tighter than he meant and it looked more like a grimace. He quickly turned back to his friends, Sirius’ eyes still burning through him.  
“What Sirius?” Remus asked, annoyance laced in his tone.  
“You don’t look too good mate,” Sirius answered.  
“Long day. Too much sugar probably.”  
“Here, carbs are good for you,” James said, as he added a large helping of roasted potatoes to Remus’ plate.  
Peter placed a few dinner rolls on Remus’ plate as well and Sirius kept staring at him with those dark eyes. Remus rolled his eyes at him and began to eat. He mostly picked at the food, too uncomfortable to eat. The boys eyed him, worried, but ate their meals and decided to keep their mouths shut. It was apparent that Remus did not want to be nagged right now.  
Dumbledore disappeared towards the end of the meal, probably to meet Remus by Madam Pomfrey’s ward. Once dinner was done, the boys stuffed with food and Remus ready to crawl out of his skin, they began to exit the Great Hall.  
“You guys go ahead, I think I should see Madam Pomfrey,” Remus said quickly, trying to separate from his friends as soon as possible.  
“Wait, we can go with you!” Jame said, gently grasping Remus’ arm.  
“No!” Remus cried.  
James let go of him and the other boys looked slightly startled. Remus hardly ever raised his voice.  
“I just… it’ll be quick. I’d rather meet you guys in our room. Maybe go through some of those comics you got Sirius? Pick out the best one while I’m gone?” Remus offered.  
Remus met James’ stare- the slightly taller boy with wild hair and crooked glasses was the leader of their group. If James said it was fine to leave him, they would. If he said they had to go with him…  
“Let’s leave Remus to it. I’ll get some of that tea ready too, yeah?” James asked.  
Remus nodded and smiled at his friends, immediately turning on his heel and making his way towards Madam Pomfrey’s ward.  
“See you soon Remus!” Sirius called in the distance.  
Remus briefly turned over his shoulder to wave goodbye before he rounded the corner.  
Out of eye sight of his friends he let out a long groan and wrapped his arms around his middle, feeling the agony of what was to come. He didn’t even notice someone emerging from the shadows. Hands were on his shoulders and he was thrown into the wall. Usually some light shoving wouldn’t affect him, but this push almost knocked him to the floor. Remus doubled over, keeping one arm wrapped around his middle and the other hand on the wall, trying to right himself.  
“Little Lupin all alone?” A voice sneered in the shadowy corridor.  
Remus slowly lifted himself up and leaned against the wall. In front of him was Severus Snape, looking angrier and greasier than ever.  
“Now's not a great time Severus,” Remus said, gritting his teeth.  
“Really? I think it’s perfect. Where’s your posse?”  
“Headed to bed. Which is where you should be going to. Sleep well, have a wonderful Christmas,” Remus muttered as he tried to wander off.  
Snape’s hand wrapped around his upper arm- not nearly as gentle as James grasp had been just moments ago.  
“I want to know where my potion book is,” Snape said.  
“What?”  
“Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t suit you. My potion book! The one Lily got me for Christmas. I had it earlier today and now I don’t know where it is.”  
“That sounds like a personal issue Severus.”  
“No. I saw Potter and Black giggling about something during lunch hour today. I know you lot took it. Give it back,” Snape seethed, shaking Remus slightly.  
For a slimy nobody, Severus had more strength than Remus was prepared for.  
“Honestly, Severus, I don’t know what you’re talking about. But… listen, I’m really not feeling well. Let me go see Pomfrey and then I’ll head back to the dorms and ask the boys about it,” Remus offered.  
Severus stopped for a moment, gripping hard onto Remus’ arm. A grip that would leave more bruises for him to explain away tomorrow morning.  
“I don’t believe you.”  
That was all the warning Remus got before he went flying into a darkened room. The girls lavatory. He fell to the floor and barely had time to gather himself before the door was shutting behind him.  
“Wait!” He shouted, running towards the door.  
“I think spending the night here would be good for you.”  
“Severus, wait, please-” Remus’ voice cracked in desperation as he slammed his hand down on the locked door.  
“Please what? Am I supposed to take pity on you? After all you’ve done?”  
“You know I haven’t done anything to you!”  
“Yes, but you haven’t done anything to stop the others, have you?”  
Remus stopped pounding the door. He knew Snape had a point. And maybe he was a git for standing by and letting James and Sirius torture the Slytherin boy all they wanted, but this certainly wasn’t the answer.  
“You don’t understand, I’m really sick, I need to see Madam Pomfrey,” Remus said, panicked sobs wracking his every breath.  
“That sounds like a personal issue,” the cold voice sneered, followed by footsteps.  
Remus screamed. He hit the door as hard as he could. He felt around for his wand- unable to find it in his pocket or on the bathroom floor and came to the grim realization that the wand must’ve fallen out when Snape originally pushed him in the hallway.  
What Severus was doing wasn’t nearly as cruel as some of the things James and Sirius had already done to him- but he didn’t know the circumstances. The panic that was blossoming in Remus’s chest as he cried out for Dumbledore.  
The moon was out and the transformation was beginning.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J.K. Rowling owns everything HP related!

His first Christmas at Hogwarts had been one of the worst nights of Remus’ young life. Locked in that bathroom, screaming and crying his head off, hoping someone would hear him. He could remember feeling the beginning of the transformation and then everything was black.

When he woke the next morning, he was in the medical ward, Dumbledore by his side. However, the jovial twinkle was gone from his eyes and there wasn’t a lemon drop in sight. Dumbledore waited until Remus was a little more alert to begin questioning him.

Remus was so scared he hurt someone. Maybe one of his friends went looking for him and found him, in wolf form… Dumbledore assured him that no one was hurt. When the Headmaster realized that Remus was late to meet him at Madam Pomfrey’s he went looking for him- worried for his safety and the lives of the other Hogwarts students staying for the holidays.

Dumbledore enchanted the bathroom to keep it locked and invisible to the rest of the staff and students for the night. No one was harmed. However, they both learned a lesson- never cut it that close with Remus’ transformations ever again. 

Months passed after that unfortunate night and Remus found himself growing numb. He didn’t cry anymore. He bottled everything up until those full moons, letting himself go wild in the shack. The scars were getting worse. He was starting to bite off his own flesh as well. 

Severus was punished, but it wasn’t enough for Remus. He understood that the other boy didn’t know what he was. Better off that way, but still. Snape could’ve killed students that night. He could’ve gotten himself killed. His actions created a shockwave over Remus, one that left him with sleepless nights and emotional scars to match the physical ones.

Remus wasn’t sure if he should blame his friends for what happened. If they hadn’t spent their first fall semester at Hogwarts tormenting Snape, he never would’ve lashed out at Remus like that and yet… Remus couldn’t find it in himself to blame them. If he truly wanted to be fair about the situation, Snape and his Slytherin pals weren’t friendly either. 

James and Sirius felt guilty. Dumbledore explained to them, after they tried breaking out of their dorm rooms to search the entire castle, that Remus had become ill and passed out- locked in the girls bathroom. Remus filled in the blanks, leaving out the werewolf part of course. They understood it was partially their fault for picking on Snape so much but it seemed to heighten their desire to torture the other boy even more. 

Remus didn’t stop them. He stopped defending the Slytherin boy, felt less shame about not interfering after that night. Severus didn’t know how deadly his actions could’ve been. Remus still felt that whatever James and Sirius doled out as a punishment would never be enough payback. 

Lily Evans returned from the holidays to hear of the incident- she was even upset with Snape. She did, however, try to play devil’s advocate and stirred up an argument with James and Sirius about how they needed to consider the consequences of their actions. She made it clear to Remus that she felt for him, though. And that she would make sure Snape never did anything like that to him again.

So that left Remus with the second half of his first year at Hogwarts- James, Sirius, and Peter walked him to every class, to every library session, and meal. Lily joined him in the library frequently, seemingly abandoning Severus. And Remus himself… he couldn’t shake the numbness.

Sometimes it worried him. His mother always told him it was better to feel too much than nothing at all. But Remus had spent his whole life living like that and seemed to come out worse because of it. Shutting down was better. Time went by quicker. Winter melted into spring. The shack was cool and comfortable during full moon’s, no longer bitingly cold. 

Remus even hit a growth spurt. He managed a couple inches in those spring months. He still wasn’t as tall as Sirius and James but he could see over Peter’s head. His hair was wilder than ever- Lily did her best to help him control it with spells, but it always grew back course and curly. 

The only other thing he really worried about was his relationship with Sirius. While James, Peter, and Lily all leaned in after Christmas night, Sirius seemed to push away. He stopped waking Remus up in the middle of the night for their talks. They spoke a few words here and there at meals and between classes. 

Maybe Sirius could see right through Remus and figured out what a liar he really was. Maybe Sirius was frustrated with Remus for not opening up enough. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Remus made his head spin most nights trying to figure it out. 

He wished they were more like Lily and James. They always seemed to be upset with each other for something ridiculous but they always talked about it. Or yelled. Sometimes in Lily’s case, she would spell a book to go flying at James’ head. 

Sirius was more like Remus than he originally thought. They both would rather shut down than confront the other. Usually Sirius seemed ready to fight about anything, with anyone. Him and James would get into small rows and then make up. It was different with Remus. He felt like the other boy was icing him out. 

It didn’t get better by the end of their first year at Hogwarts. James and Peter didn’t really seem to notice. They never knew about the midnight talks and secret notes passed between them. They didn’t know that Sirius would doodle on his arm when they were sat next to each other in the most boring of classes. They had no reason to notice when those small, personal interactions ceased to exist. 

When Lily joined them on the train ride back to King’s Cross, Remus found himself talking with her more than the other boys- well besides James of course. They all shared snacks and reminisced on their favorite moments from their first year. They talked excitedly about what was in store for their second year. And of course, how much they would all miss each other over the summer.

“Well, we don’t have to worry about Lily getting too lonely- you’ll have Snivellus to play with won’t you?” James teased Lily.

Lily turned bright red and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Don’t call him that!” She snapped.

They two fell into their usual argument about leaving Snape alone, leaving the other boys to laugh at the insults Lily threw at James. It was amusing. And yet Remus couldn’t find himself to fully enjoy it. 

Remus caught Sirius looking at him a few times- even after spending months together, Remus still couldn’t read his expression. As soon as Remus’s eyes would meet his, the dark haired boy would look away. It was childish and yet it made Remus feel smaller than he ever had. 

He wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe a summer apart would be good. Even though it already felt like they were living on different planets. So when Sirius volunteered to stay behind and help Remus get his luggage down, while Peter followed after Lily and James who were still going at it, he felt he had two options left.

Say everything he wanted to say and save the friendship. Or continue down the icy road they were already traveling. Remus couldn’t make up his mind, he just stared as Sirius heaved down his luggage and then Remus’, handing it over. 

“Alright, I think that’s it,” Sirius said, refusing to make eye contact as he shouldered his bags.

Remus swallowed thickly, before dropping his bags and throwing his arms around Sirius in a tight hug. 

Sirius froze for a moment and then hugged him back.

Neither of them said a word, just clung to each other like one of them would disappear. Remus, with sudden fear, realized he had no words to really explain to Sirius how he felt. The hug was all he could do.

Remus squeezed his arms around the other boy for mere seconds before letting go. He didn’t dare look at him- just grabbed his bags as fast as he could.

“Have a nice summer Sirius,” Remus said over his shoulder as he sped walked out of their cart, down the aisle of the train, and onto the concrete floor of King’s Cross. 

Remus pushed thoughts of Sirius out of his head, enjoyed being welcomed home by his mother. But late at night, the memories of the dark haired boy swam into focus. Remus could almost still feel the other boy's arms around him, his heart pounding against his chest. 

Laying in bed that night, his parents snoring softly down the hall, Remus started to feel something again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was kind of short, but there's more to come! If you have any thoughts, feelings, or feedback please let me know!


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J.K. Rowling owns everything Harry Potter!

Remus didn’t hear from Sirius for the first month of the summer holiday. He received letters from his other friends- Peter, James, and Lily. They wrote to each other frequently, updating one another on their summers. Peter was visiting family in the countryside, James was hopping around to different Quidditch matches with his dad, and Lily was enjoying time with her muggle parents and sister. No one mentioned Sirius. 

Remus was worried. They may not have talked a lot after the Christmas incident, but it didn’t take a genius to know that Sirius had dreaded returning to Black Manor for the summer. He wondered if Sirius was locked away, if he was hurt, if he was even allowed to talk to his friends while he was home. Remus imagined the worst, but secretly wished over and over to himself that Sirius would remain protected and safe.

Towards the end of July, a letter arrived for Remus. He was a little startled at first- the owl was a beautiful snow white creature, one he had never seen before. It moved gracefully, placing the letter in front of Remus while he read comic books in his backyard. 

Remus carefully opened the letter, setting aside that latest X-Men adventure. It was from Sirius- their first real communication in a very long time.

Remus,

I hope you’re enjoying your summer. I’m writing this to you while listening to that bloke Dylan you like so much. I guess he’s pretty good. Still think Bowie and Morrison are better. But, I can see why you like him. Cool phrases, songs are just kind of long-

I’m starting to ramble. I’ve been trying to find the right words to write to you all summer. This might be the 11th draft and I refuse to throw out another piece of parchment. I’m not like you- I’m not good with words and I think I’m still figuring out how to be a good friend. 

I’m writing to say that I’m sorry. And I miss you. I wasn’t sure what to do after Christmas. I know it was my fault that Snape lashed out at you. I know that and you do too. I’ve felt so guilty ever since. I don’t really understand your illness, but I can’t imagine being locked away all night- especially on Christmas. All because of your arsehold friend. 

I should’ve talked to you after. Tried to be there for you. But I felt so bad and I wasn’t sure what to do with how I was feeling. I was so angry. I still am. You could’ve been seriously hurt. It would’ve been my fault and I don’t think I can ever handle something like that. 

I’m sounding a little melodramatic, I blame you and Dylan, but I think it’s only fair that you hear it from me. I wasn’t shutting you out or anything, I just was scared of losing you or facing the fact that you wouldn’t want to be my friend after what happened. 

Then you hugged me on the train. And that made me realize that we were always still friends and I’d just spent all of spring being a total git. I don’t want to lose you Remus. James and Peter are great, but it’s different with us. I can’t explain it but I like who I am when we’re together. 

But I understand if you want nothing to do with me ever again. It’ll be awkward, but I’m sure we can evenly split our time between the boys. James and Peter will be distraught over our pending divorce, but they’ll manage through I’m sure.

Don’t feel like you have to respond to this letter. I just wanted you to know that I still want to be your friend, that I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when I should’ve been. I really do hope you’re feeling well and having a great summer.

Yours,  
Sirius 

Remus wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry reading the letter. Only Sirius could manage to open up that much and still crack jokes. 

Something inside of Remus settled- he hadn’t even noticed that it was there. He didn’t know what the feeling even was. He suddenly felt calm and warm all at once. Ever since Christmas, ever since he thought Sirius hated him, it was like he was talking on a tightrope- trying to make it to the end without making a wrong step. It was an exhaustive balancing act. 

And now? Now he knew it was alright. He could get off that tightrope and rest for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The shortest chapter so far, but don't worry there's more to come soon!


End file.
